Here's Tracen!

Tracen is my little angel baby. He has brought so much joy into my life. Here's some pics.

I was HUGE!!! You can't deny it when you see this picture :-)

I love a sleeping baby!

I wanted to remember the difference in size. Also, I love it when a baby grabs your finger.

Tracen had really bad jaundice and had to be in this bed for three days.

We called him our "little glow worm".

He's so sweet and he loves the camera.

I thought this picture was cute because he looks like a fireman in suspenders.

I think he is going to break a lot of hearts when he is older :-)

*I took these pictures off my parent's computer so they aren't the most recent. I'll try to update them soon.

Here's Ryker

I had a hard time picking pictures because there are so many that I love! Here are just a few that I really love of Ryker.

(He looks so cute in this!)

(I just love this picture!)

(Since Ryker has regressed back into wearing pull-ups, his underwear has different uses)

(Ryker as Elmo for Halloween)

(Ryker with his teddy bear "boo-boo")

(Ryker playing in the leaves. His favorite part was dumping a hand-full on Tracen.)

Changes!

Okay, well I am overweight! This is not going to be a "feel sorry for me" post. I just feel like if I write it down then maybe I can get some helpful tips on how to make changes and stick with them.

First off, I have a petite frame which is aching with all my extra weight. I'm not nursing anymore so I don't have the excuse of needing 500 more calories a day. Also, I know weight is not the main thing that needs to change because different people are healthy at different weights and it can differ at different times in your life. There is a lady in my ward who weighs a little more than me and she just finished running half a marathon and is planning to run two more in the summer.

I have a number in my head of where I want my weight to be and the reason I think of this number is because it is how much I weighed when I felt good. I could run two miles and then do eight stadium stairs without stopping and almost without thinking about it. It felt so good! Well, I haven't weighed that much since high school and here's how much I have on top of that number...

Take my starting number "0"
Add 20 pounds gained in college
Add 10 pounds before I got married
Add 10 pounds before I got pregnant
Add 50 pounds during pregnancy
Minus 40 after pregnancy
Add 15 before next pregnancy
Add 30 during pregnancy
Minus 20 after pregnancy...
And there you have my weight :-)

So, if you've figured it out, I need to lose 75 pounds. I'm honestly not going to focus on the numbers, I just need help in changing my life style. I eat crap, I never exercise (more than the normal mommy run around), and I LOVE chocolate.

We don't have money for a gym membership but I am checking into the YMCA. They are suppose to have a cheap rate for the poor and they watch your kids for 1 1/2 hours for free while you work out!

My husband hates almost all healthy food so we buy a lot of junk food. Being home all day and looking at it...well, it doesn't last long.

I'm just overwhelmed and don't know where to begin! Any advice?!?

I hate you Mommy!?!

Okay, so my little Ryker is now three years old and this morning he told me that hates me! I was prepared to hear that when my kids are teenagers but a three year old!?! You might be wondering why he said it...here's the story.
Ryker: I'm tired Mommy. (it was 5:00 in the morning)
Me: Do you want to go lay down in your bed?
Ryker: Yes.
-So he goes a lays down. I come in to make sure he has everything and I let him know that I'm going to turn his light off and the hall light on, so it won't be too dark. 5 minutes later he comes out of his room and says...
Ryker: I hate you Mommy!
Me: Why?
Ryker: You turned off my light.
I don't even know how he knows to say that! Where did he learn it from? I told him I was sorry that he hates me but we sleep with the light off. He stayed up after that and started to play. He has said it a few more times this afternoon just out of the blue! What am I suppose to do? How should I react?

Postpartum

Yes, I got it. My best friend had postpartum depression after her first baby and she told me about it but until you've experienced it yourself, you'll never fully comprehend. I'll let you know how it was from my perspective though.

It sucked. I didn't know what it was at first. I thought maybe lack of sleep or never seeing my husband or having to take care of a new baby... I cried A LOT!! My life felt like it would never be better and I was buried in a hole where there was no hope of seeing the sunshine ever again. All my life I wanted to be a mother. My mom will tell you that ever since I was four, I wanted to be a mother with seven children. Now my dream was complete but I felt lacking. The one thing I wanted was to take care of my baby and make him happy but with my broken tail bone and trying to heal myself I thought I was a failure. I couldn't sit up very well and was pretty much couch-ridden (our bed was too hard for my tail bone) for two months. I couldn't hold a conversation with my husband because I would fall asleep mid sentence or want him to hold the baby so I could go cry in the shower.

I started to take anti-depressants when Ryker was about 6 months but I still couldn't seem to get out of the darkness. I functioned a little bit better but I was still very unhappy. Then, some things happened that made Ryan and I question our marriage and whether we wanted to stay married. I think my depression contributed to it a lot because we weren't communicating at all and he was bonding with people at work more than me. After a long talk, we decided we did want to stay together but things were going to need to change. So, I started to see a counselor and that helped pull myself out of the hole just enough to see some sunshine in the future. I continued with the counselor and anti-depressants for about three months.

Ryan and I continue to work on our relationship and there are ups and downs. I continue to feel like I'm lacking as a mother but through my discussions with other moms I realize I'm not alone. I understand that every mom has moments where they feel like they are messing up their children and it's normal to feel like a failure sometimes. I just try my best and take things day by day (sometimes hour by hour). I'm glad that I was surrounded by wonderful family and friends who gave me strength to climb out of my hole and focus on the sunshine.

He's here!!! Oh no!

My due date was January 10th but Ryan and I decided to have me induced January 3rd. This was a bitter sweet event.

SWEET: Our beautiful baby boy was almost here. As my contractions started, we realized the cord was around his neck because his vitals would drop very low. After he was born they told us his cord was around his neck and under his arm, so there is a good chance if I had gone into natural labor he wouldn't have survived. (Thank goodness we went early) Being induced and then having the epidural right after was nice since it made it so I never really felt a contraction. We named our son Ryker Lavell-Edward Minnix. He weighed 8 pounds 4 ounces and was 21 inches long. He was perfect! Also, my mom was in the room during delivery. (You can see in the picture; Ryker loved her from the very beginning.)

BITTER: Now for the bad parts; I was in pain! The doctor ended up using forceps to get Ryker out because his vitals were so low it was now or emergency c-section. We probably should have gone with the c-section but the doctor was able to pull him out. He had bruises on his head for a week or two after. Well, when the doctor pulled him out, it broke my tail bone and I had a third-degree tear. The doctor spent maybe 15 minutes stitching me which would become a problem. I had very low iron, so I was scared to hold Ryker because I felt like passing out. Three days later while I was trying to have my first "b.m." all my stitches ripped out. I thought I was just being weak but after 5 days when I could hardly walk due to pain, Ryan took me to the doctor. The doctor told me I had no stitches left, I was getting infected, I had definitely broken my tail bone, and I needed surgery. So when Ryker was 6 days old I had surgery to repair my tear. I was on pain medication for two months and antibiotics for a few weeks. At six months I was told I was still healing. Three years later, I still have problems sitting sometimes cause of my tail bone.

Although things could have gone better, I love my son. He is so amazing and he keeps me going when things seem too hard to continue. I would do it all over again because he is my blessing.

Pregnancy - what did I get into?

Yes, pregnancy is wonderful but there are some unpleasant aspects to it as well. Here is my story.

I was sick! I felt like I was throwing up after every meal. I threw up at the river, at work a lot, all over the kitchen floor...I was miserable! I only ate food that I know would be easy coming up and didn't have a very strong flavor. I tried taking my prenatals but those really made me throw up. You would think they would make them smaller but no, they were like horse pills! I told my doctor that I couldn't take them anymore and I was prescribed a special pill to help. I took those for one month and all the morning sickness was gone! I went back to taking the horse pills with no problem and I could finally enjoy food again.

Oh, and did I enjoy food! I took seriously the saying, "eating for two". The only problem was that I wasn't eating for an adult and a teeny, tiny little baby; I was eating for two full grown adults! I ended up gaining 50 pounds by the end. When I craved something I got it and another problem was that I was craving really unhealthy food. My cravings consisted of: Burger King Whoppers, cheesecake, cheesy tator tots, chocolate milk shakes, french fries, onion rings, tacos...if it was something fast food and greasy, I probably wanted it. I got huge and didn't want to think about after I had the baby.

I was emotional all the time. One minute I was totally in love with my husband and the next I was throwing a fit over something he did or didn't do. Then there were the moments when I would be laughing so hard (for no reason) I couldn't breathe and within seconds of stopping I would be crying so hard (for no reason) that Ryan was really concerned about me.

There are a lot of downs to being huge pregnant but no matter what I went through (or put Ryan through), I would do it all over again because the gift you get at the end of it all is worth going to hell and back.

(If you want to read a funny book about pregnancy that tells things how they are, read Jenny McCarthy's book named "Belly Laughs")