I hate you Mommy!?!

Okay, so my little Ryker is now three years old and this morning he told me that hates me! I was prepared to hear that when my kids are teenagers but a three year old!?! You might be wondering why he said it...here's the story.
Ryker: I'm tired Mommy. (it was 5:00 in the morning)
Me: Do you want to go lay down in your bed?
Ryker: Yes.
-So he goes a lays down. I come in to make sure he has everything and I let him know that I'm going to turn his light off and the hall light on, so it won't be too dark. 5 minutes later he comes out of his room and says...
Ryker: I hate you Mommy!
Me: Why?
Ryker: You turned off my light.
I don't even know how he knows to say that! Where did he learn it from? I told him I was sorry that he hates me but we sleep with the light off. He stayed up after that and started to play. He has said it a few more times this afternoon just out of the blue! What am I suppose to do? How should I react?

Postpartum

Yes, I got it. My best friend had postpartum depression after her first baby and she told me about it but until you've experienced it yourself, you'll never fully comprehend. I'll let you know how it was from my perspective though.

It sucked. I didn't know what it was at first. I thought maybe lack of sleep or never seeing my husband or having to take care of a new baby... I cried A LOT!! My life felt like it would never be better and I was buried in a hole where there was no hope of seeing the sunshine ever again. All my life I wanted to be a mother. My mom will tell you that ever since I was four, I wanted to be a mother with seven children. Now my dream was complete but I felt lacking. The one thing I wanted was to take care of my baby and make him happy but with my broken tail bone and trying to heal myself I thought I was a failure. I couldn't sit up very well and was pretty much couch-ridden (our bed was too hard for my tail bone) for two months. I couldn't hold a conversation with my husband because I would fall asleep mid sentence or want him to hold the baby so I could go cry in the shower.

I started to take anti-depressants when Ryker was about 6 months but I still couldn't seem to get out of the darkness. I functioned a little bit better but I was still very unhappy. Then, some things happened that made Ryan and I question our marriage and whether we wanted to stay married. I think my depression contributed to it a lot because we weren't communicating at all and he was bonding with people at work more than me. After a long talk, we decided we did want to stay together but things were going to need to change. So, I started to see a counselor and that helped pull myself out of the hole just enough to see some sunshine in the future. I continued with the counselor and anti-depressants for about three months.

Ryan and I continue to work on our relationship and there are ups and downs. I continue to feel like I'm lacking as a mother but through my discussions with other moms I realize I'm not alone. I understand that every mom has moments where they feel like they are messing up their children and it's normal to feel like a failure sometimes. I just try my best and take things day by day (sometimes hour by hour). I'm glad that I was surrounded by wonderful family and friends who gave me strength to climb out of my hole and focus on the sunshine.

He's here!!! Oh no!

My due date was January 10th but Ryan and I decided to have me induced January 3rd. This was a bitter sweet event.

SWEET: Our beautiful baby boy was almost here. As my contractions started, we realized the cord was around his neck because his vitals would drop very low. After he was born they told us his cord was around his neck and under his arm, so there is a good chance if I had gone into natural labor he wouldn't have survived. (Thank goodness we went early) Being induced and then having the epidural right after was nice since it made it so I never really felt a contraction. We named our son Ryker Lavell-Edward Minnix. He weighed 8 pounds 4 ounces and was 21 inches long. He was perfect! Also, my mom was in the room during delivery. (You can see in the picture; Ryker loved her from the very beginning.)

BITTER: Now for the bad parts; I was in pain! The doctor ended up using forceps to get Ryker out because his vitals were so low it was now or emergency c-section. We probably should have gone with the c-section but the doctor was able to pull him out. He had bruises on his head for a week or two after. Well, when the doctor pulled him out, it broke my tail bone and I had a third-degree tear. The doctor spent maybe 15 minutes stitching me which would become a problem. I had very low iron, so I was scared to hold Ryker because I felt like passing out. Three days later while I was trying to have my first "b.m." all my stitches ripped out. I thought I was just being weak but after 5 days when I could hardly walk due to pain, Ryan took me to the doctor. The doctor told me I had no stitches left, I was getting infected, I had definitely broken my tail bone, and I needed surgery. So when Ryker was 6 days old I had surgery to repair my tear. I was on pain medication for two months and antibiotics for a few weeks. At six months I was told I was still healing. Three years later, I still have problems sitting sometimes cause of my tail bone.

Although things could have gone better, I love my son. He is so amazing and he keeps me going when things seem too hard to continue. I would do it all over again because he is my blessing.

Pregnancy - what did I get into?

Yes, pregnancy is wonderful but there are some unpleasant aspects to it as well. Here is my story.

I was sick! I felt like I was throwing up after every meal. I threw up at the river, at work a lot, all over the kitchen floor...I was miserable! I only ate food that I know would be easy coming up and didn't have a very strong flavor. I tried taking my prenatals but those really made me throw up. You would think they would make them smaller but no, they were like horse pills! I told my doctor that I couldn't take them anymore and I was prescribed a special pill to help. I took those for one month and all the morning sickness was gone! I went back to taking the horse pills with no problem and I could finally enjoy food again.

Oh, and did I enjoy food! I took seriously the saying, "eating for two". The only problem was that I wasn't eating for an adult and a teeny, tiny little baby; I was eating for two full grown adults! I ended up gaining 50 pounds by the end. When I craved something I got it and another problem was that I was craving really unhealthy food. My cravings consisted of: Burger King Whoppers, cheesecake, cheesy tator tots, chocolate milk shakes, french fries, onion rings, tacos...if it was something fast food and greasy, I probably wanted it. I got huge and didn't want to think about after I had the baby.

I was emotional all the time. One minute I was totally in love with my husband and the next I was throwing a fit over something he did or didn't do. Then there were the moments when I would be laughing so hard (for no reason) I couldn't breathe and within seconds of stopping I would be crying so hard (for no reason) that Ryan was really concerned about me.

There are a lot of downs to being huge pregnant but no matter what I went through (or put Ryan through), I would do it all over again because the gift you get at the end of it all is worth going to hell and back.

(If you want to read a funny book about pregnancy that tells things how they are, read Jenny McCarthy's book named "Belly Laughs")

Pregnancy - Wonderful

It was so exciting being pregnant! I enjoyed feeling the baby kick and dreaming of what it would be like to actually hold him.

At 8 weeks along we heard and saw the heartbeat for the first time. The emotions

that came were unexpected and overwhelming. I could see and hear my child. I was

growing a little person inside of me and he was thriving. I felt so much

responsibility and love at the same time. I cried.

The first time I felt my baby move I was only 16 weeks along and it felt like a butterfly fluttered it's wings under my skin for about two inches across my belly. If you have never felt it, that might sound crazy but it feels kind of crazy too. It is like nothing else as you feel the kicks getting stronger and can feel the baby move. I was lucky to never be kicked in the ribs but I remember my sister saying her ribs were bruised because her baby kept kicking the same spot over and over. Sounds terrible, but you just remember what's kicking you and you can't be mad.

Also, when we found out we were having a boy, it was amazing. I knew Ryan really wanted a boy and I just wanted a healthy baby so when I found out that both of our wishes were coming true, I was doubly happy. I loved being able to see that he was growing and everything looked okay. It gives you such a sense of relief!

So much joy can come from being pregnant but I think the greatest joys come once the baby is here. This picture was taken a week before I gave birth. My family said I made a great snowman.

The big surprise

Ryan and I got married November 18, 2006. We were planning on waiting to have kids for a few years so Ryan could get some schooling done and we could just enjoy being together. In January, I got an 8-5 job as a secretary and Ryan was going to school and working as a bus driver for ISU.

Well, May 11, 2007 things were going great but I realized I was a day late getting my period. Since I was on the pill, this was very weird since I had always started on the exact day I was suppose to. I decided on my lunch break to go get a pregnancy test, just to make myself feel better. I bought a two pack and headed to my parent's house since it was closest. I took one test and waited. When I saw those two lines I thought it must be faulty, there was no way I could be pregnant. I decide to take the second test back and work. When it also showed two lines I went to a close friend I worked with named Stephanie and asked her if I was seeing things. She has two adorable boys of her own so she wasn't new at reading the tests. She looked at it and then said, "Congratulations. You're pregnant." I was shocked!

I asked to leave work early and went to the store to buy the expensive pregnancy tests that actually say "pregnant" or "not pregnant". I figured we had just read the test wrong. So, I went home and took my third pregnancy test. Well, you guessed it; it clearly said, "PREGNANT". I started thinking about how to tell Ryan and then I remembered he was going over to his parent's house to play with his sister Micaila after school. I couldn't wait. So, I called him.

Me: Hey honey, do you think you could come home?

Ryan: We're in the middle of playing pool. What do you need?

Me: I have a dilemma and I'm not sure what to do or how you'll react.

Ryan: Did you get a speeding ticket?

Me: NO! Just come home, I don't want to talk about it over the phone.

Ryan: You're freaking me out, just tell me! I'm not coming until you tell me.

Me: I took three pregnancy tests and I think I'm pregnant.

Ryan: You're pregnant!

Me: Yes. Will you come home now?

Ryan: I'll be right there!

I started crying and pacing the floor. Ryan came home and asked why I was standing up. He said I should be sitting down and taking it easy, which was really sweet. Ryan told me he was so happy and excited, so I finally relaxed and began to enjoy the moment. We were going to have a baby!! (Two days later we celebrated Mother's Day)