Postpartum

Yes, I got it. My best friend had postpartum depression after her first baby and she told me about it but until you've experienced it yourself, you'll never fully comprehend. I'll let you know how it was from my perspective though.

It sucked. I didn't know what it was at first. I thought maybe lack of sleep or never seeing my husband or having to take care of a new baby... I cried A LOT!! My life felt like it would never be better and I was buried in a hole where there was no hope of seeing the sunshine ever again. All my life I wanted to be a mother. My mom will tell you that ever since I was four, I wanted to be a mother with seven children. Now my dream was complete but I felt lacking. The one thing I wanted was to take care of my baby and make him happy but with my broken tail bone and trying to heal myself I thought I was a failure. I couldn't sit up very well and was pretty much couch-ridden (our bed was too hard for my tail bone) for two months. I couldn't hold a conversation with my husband because I would fall asleep mid sentence or want him to hold the baby so I could go cry in the shower.

I started to take anti-depressants when Ryker was about 6 months but I still couldn't seem to get out of the darkness. I functioned a little bit better but I was still very unhappy. Then, some things happened that made Ryan and I question our marriage and whether we wanted to stay married. I think my depression contributed to it a lot because we weren't communicating at all and he was bonding with people at work more than me. After a long talk, we decided we did want to stay together but things were going to need to change. So, I started to see a counselor and that helped pull myself out of the hole just enough to see some sunshine in the future. I continued with the counselor and anti-depressants for about three months.

Ryan and I continue to work on our relationship and there are ups and downs. I continue to feel like I'm lacking as a mother but through my discussions with other moms I realize I'm not alone. I understand that every mom has moments where they feel like they are messing up their children and it's normal to feel like a failure sometimes. I just try my best and take things day by day (sometimes hour by hour). I'm glad that I was surrounded by wonderful family and friends who gave me strength to climb out of my hole and focus on the sunshine.